How to Profit from the Coming RaptureHow to Profit from the Coming Rapture

(“Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind” by Steve and Evie Levy, as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman”)

It’s 2011. Do you know where your Savior is?

If, as many evangelical Christians did during the Bush administration and probably still do, you take the Bible literally and believe in the Pre-Tribulation version of The Rapture, you know that He can, at any moment, arrive on a mighty steed, in a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Silver. Or something like that.

We’re kidding, of course. It doesn’t and won’t work that way. Instead, the way it will work is, the faithful (those who have accepted Jesus as their personal savior) will, at any moment, suddenly be levitated (naked) to Heaven. First the dead, or what’s left of them, and then the living, will ascend to rendezvous with Him and be ushered into Paradise Eternal. And everybody else? HA HA HA HA. The joke’s on them (i.e, us). They’ll remain here on Earth to suffer through seven years of hell on, uh, Earth, subjected to natural disasters, the rise of the Anti-Christ, the spread of perpetual war, a plague of invisible locusts, and the literal incarnation of Satan himself.

Those seven years are called The Tribulation, and we think that’s putting it mildly. The point is this: If you’re like us, you’re wondering: How will this affect my portfolio? How, and on what, will I retire, when the seas are turned to blood and the stars fall from the heavens? How will everyone water all those vineyards?

Steve and Evie Levy, who are fictional professional investment counselors we made up, have thought about this, and even done some token research. The result is an investment guide literally to end all investment guides.

It’s all here: when to get into real estate in Israel and when to get the hell out; what small businesses will thrive (laundry services for the wandering 144,000 Jewish virgins; Motel 666, decorated in an anti-Christ motif; Pallmark Greeting Cards, for celebrating evil religious holidays such as Thanksfornothing) and which will suffer (anything involving trees and grass). Of course there are chats, tables, graphs, and other visual aids.

Even if you don’t believe these terrible events will come to pass, HTPFTCR makes a perfect introduction to this compelling, if insane, piece of American Christian dogma. The timeline, the relevant Biblical quotes, the references to (literally) chapter and verse: it’s all here. Plus fun illustrations. Once you’ve read this, you’ll never think the same way about the Left Behind books, or the people who wrote them, or the people who take them seriously, ever again. Forever.Buy Me!