It’s summer, and that means one thing: That there are a thousand different things it means, one of which is the availability of fresh corn.
Like most produce, corn is at its most delicious the moment it is picked. After that, its sweetness and juiciness begin to degrade. By the time it reaches your supermarket, an ear of corn has been severed from its stalk, banged around, boxed, trucked, shelved, bruised, terrorized, insulted, made to feel “less than,” and humiliated. It’s astounding that any corn, anywhere, even has the nerve to look us in the eye.
That’s why we’re particularly excited about a new company whose mission is to assure that its customers enjoy corn on the cob the way Nature, and our Founding Fathers, and God, intended. The outfit is called A-Maize-Zing, and its method is revolutionary. Sign up and pay in advance (for a one-time-only purchase, or a weekly, monthly, or annual subscription) and, once the corn has been verified as having reached its maximum freshness, you avail yourself of the following, to assure that the corn is delivered as quickly as humanly possible:
a. All ears are harvested by electric, battery-powered grain combines capable of accelerating from zero to 60 m.p.h. in no more than 4.34 seconds.
b. Combine operators are given a minimum of .03 grams “laboratory quality” cocaine, hourly, to assure harvest at the maximum possible speed.
c. Harvested ears are transferred from combine bins to high-speed conveyor belts moving so fast they look stationary or invisible or something to the human eye.
d. The belts feed a succession of lightweight, high-impact, super-duper boxes that are sealed and addressed by professional calligraphers capable of writing so quickly you literally can’t believe it.
e. The packed boxes are loaded onto panel vans with ultra-thin walls and chasses, each powered by a reclaimed, retrofitted engine from a retired Formula 1 racer. Vans are capable of reaching speeds in excess of, like, a million miles an hour.
f. Each van is given a police escort to the home of each A-Maize-Zing customer. Upon arrival, the van’s driver texts or calls the customer, announcing their arrival and the imminent delivery of the corn.
g. While the call or text is being made, the second crew member of the van (a Delivery Specialist, or D.S., equipped with a back-mounted jet pack) offloads the box of corn and ferries it to the customer’s front door at the maximum possible speed. If the customer resides in a multiple-unit dwelling such as an apartment building, the D.S. flies the box into and out of the elevator or, depending on certain calculations, skips the elevator entirely and flies the box up the stairwells. Whichever is faster.
h. The D.S. will initiate the “arrival signal” by ringing the subscriber’s doorbell or knocking in a clearly audible manner. If, after three seconds, the arrival signal remains unanswered, the D.S. will deploy and activate a small explosive device, destroying the front door and allowing access. The D.S. will then fly the boxed corn into the dwelling and deliver it to the kitchen. The D.S. will then leave, jetting back to the van for the next delivery.
Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it makes lavish use of resources. And yes, it can result in your front door being destroyed. But such considerations are comparatively trivial, for those who appreciate and insist on fresh corn.
However, the true corn afficionado will have realized at once that the A-Maize-Zing home delivery option does not quite provide the last word in corn freshness. For that, one must opt for what the company calls “Reverse Delivery,” which includes the following:
a) A section of the cornfield is reserved, cordoned off, and identified for each Reverse Delivery customer.
b) It is monitored hourly by a team of agronomists, nutritionists, and accredited chefs, all of whom file hourly electronic reports on the corn’s freshness. (These data are downloadable in real time via the company’s app.)
c) Two to three hours before the estimated arrival of peak freshness, a team of “customer facilitation” specialists is dispatched to the customer’s residence or place of business.
d) There, the specialists inform the customer of the corn’s imminent maturation, and “assist” them in traveling “immediately” to the field itself. If, for whatever reason, the customer is unable or unwilling to come to the field, the specialists are empowered—per the terms of the customer’s contract with A-Maize-Zing, Inc.—to force them at gunpoint, beat them up, knock them out and stuff them into a big canvas bag and carry them, etc., to enable their transport to the corn site.
e) At their designated section of the cornfield, the customer will be invited to pick the corn, shuck it, and either boil it or char it with the use of the portable stove and charcoal grill provided. An array of common enhancements (butter, salt, pepper, etc.) is also available.
f) Once the corn has been consumed, the customer is returned to their home or work by the facilitation specialists. The customer is free to take with them any unconsumed corn, although not before signing a binding affidavit acknowledging the fact that the corn will suffer a notable degradation in freshness as soon as it leaves the field, for which the customer will indemnify the company and hold it harmless.
This is, arguably, the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard of. But some people are that way! They’re crazy about corn! If you’re not, then fine. Don’t use their services. But we think it’s nice to know it’s available.