1. Sakitumi Japanese Egg Counter
At any given time, it is important to know how many eggs one has. And while it’s true that all eggs, at least from the supermarket, come in cartons with the number (6, 12, 18, etc.) clearly indicated, as soon as you make use of the first egg from the container, things begin to go awry. You may think, “I know I started out with twelve, but I just prepared two. How can I know how many I have now?”
That, at least, has been the selling point for the Sakitumi Japanese Egg Counter. Its operation is simple enough: Merely enter the total number of eggs you have purchased when you arrive back from the market. Then, each time you use an egg, tap the button, which will count down from the original total to the current number.
We think this is technological overkill, and completely unnecessary. There are other, scarcely less convenient ways to keep track of how many eggs you have. You can, if you are connected to the Internet via a personal assistant like Alexa or Siri, ask “her,” e.g., “Alexa, I originally had twelve eggs but yesterday I ate two. How many do I have now?” You can note how many remain every time you use one, and store it in your memory. Or you can open the carton and just fucking count them.
2. La Nudista Pasta Peeler
We understand the allure of the idea of peeled pasta, because we understand the allure of peeled anything: grapes, bananas, carrots, potatoes, etc. Peeling entails the removal of the peel of a thing, resulting in the exposure of the inner surface of the thing that has just been peeled. The interior of the peeled thing is not only fresher, moister, and more delicate than the exterior peel, it is also unexposed to the ravages of weather, erosion, sun, wind, hail, climate change, pollution, and handling by Man. So that’s nice.
However, it is worth remembering that the interior of a piece of pasta is no different from its exterior. It’s the same thing all the way through. Therefore, it is not necessary to peel pasta. In fact, it is probably a bad idea, and if you have peeled any pasta recently you should probably restore the peel with a simple “paste” of flour and water, which is what pasta is to begin with, so there you are.
3. Straight-A Mortarboard and Pestle
This entirely unnecessary and, to us, bizarre kitchen utensil is having a mysterious vogue these days. For some reason, cooks have taken to grinding up spices and aromatics in what appears to be a college graduation hat.
Look, who knows why people do half the things they do. Maybe in this case they think it makes themselves, or their ingredients, look smart. It doesn’t. And God knows how you clean the damned thing. Just don’t get this.
4. Sue Veed’s Kitchen Sink Spa
A sous-vide temperature control unit for washing dishes. We mean, for Christ’s sake. Who cares if you think it would nice for your dirty dishes to loll in a temperature-controlled bath—“gently circulating,” like a hot tub, no less? Many things in the world of cooking are ridiculous, and this is one of them.
5. La Perfection Parsley Snips
No. Just no.