We’re thrilled to announce that our favorite butters and “spreads” (what Wikipedia sometimes calls margarines) are back in stock in the Store.
Regular readers will recall how we spent eight months last year searching for a margarine that was as good as (or even better than!) Upfield’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! We wanted something comparable to that famous product, but one that a) was produced in a more artisanal, hands-on way, from a manufacturer less constrained by the requirements and scale of a world-wide operation, and b) included a double-negative in its name.
And we found it, from a Vermont company called Feeldup. Our stock of their products quickly sold out. But now they’re back. These include:
a. Their basic margarine product, I Cannot But Fail to Believe It’s Not Butter!
b. The company’s “down-market” offering, sold under the name Are You Fucking Kidding Me? There’s No Way This is Not Butter! Fuck You!
c. A new, top-shelf margarine retailing under the name It is Incomprehensible to Me That Anyone Can Believe It’s Not Butter. This replaces a similar but now discontinued product called Will Someone Please Explain To Me How Any Reasonable Person Could Possibly Believe It’s Not Butter?
d. An actual butter product called I Can Believe It Is Butter, Because It Is
e. A butter product for the “faith-based market” selling as I Know It Is Butter Because I Believe It Is
We’re also expanding our inventory from this trend-setting company, and are happy to announce that we now also offer:
f. A scholarly work examining the “I-Thou” existential relationship between human beings, and the “I-It” relationship between human beings and inanimate objects, called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buber!
g. The biography of a young, male pop star entitled I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bieber!
h. A product aimed at the emerging Inuit market, for customers who, for religious or dietary reasons, eschew the consumption of whale products, called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Blubber!
Order now, because these must-haves will fly off the shelves. As always, orders of $2,500 or more come with free shipping, and orders of $5,000 or more are free.