We are pleased to announce our partnership with Yellow Apron, the meal-kit company for people who are frankly terrified of everything having to do with cooking.
Every Yellow Apron meal package, delivered to your home, features the following:
- Nothing to cut, slice, chop, dice, or mince. Every ingredient comes, not only pre-cut according to the recipe, but actually pre-cooked. No more fingertip accidents, no more panicky searches for Band-Aids™, no more accidentally maiming or even killing your spouse with a chef’s knife.
- Nothing to touch. You’ll never again have to put your own actual hands on slimy, creepy raw chicken parts; massive, hideously explicit whole chickens or turkeys; glistening and disturbing slabs of beef; confounding raw onions with their weird papery skins; odor-transmitting cloves of garlic; hard-to-wrangle green beans; penis-like cucumbers; eerie, extraterrestrial-seeming mushrooms; not-as-easy-as-it-looks-to-slice-them scallions; intimidating broccoli; upsettingly-brain-like cauliflower; vacuous-seeming zucchini; impossible-to-corral carrots; tedious-to-wash leeks; unspeakably horrible eggs; just-look-at-it-cross-eyed-and-it-gets-all-over-the-kitchen rice; dumb, heavy potatoes; totally unconfrontable raw fish; barbaric, frightening legs of lamb; swarming lentils (or couscous); finicky-to-chop fresh parsley or cilantro; ominous heads of lettuce or cabbage that could be hiding Christ-knows-what kinds of little bugs; or anything else.
- Nothing to heat. Why risk turning on the stove or the oven, or even the kitchen lights, when each Yellow Apron meal comes pre-cooked and plated in a gleaming, space-age titanium trolley?
- Nothing requiring a knife or even a fork. Each plated entrée consists of an artfully-arranged array of plastic packets, each one containing an average-adult-sized bite of every item. Simply tear open each packet (utilizing its E-Z-Tu-Tare-Thiss-Pack-It seal), squeeze the contents into your mouth, and enjoy. Pretend you’re an astronaut! if that’s not too scary for you.
- No leftovers. Never again worry about how to use the microwave to re-heat them the next day, and possibly including a piece of metal in the microwave, shorting out the electrical system and blowing up the house. Each Yellow Apron meal is delivered by a certified Yellow Apronist™, specially trained to stand discreetly by to whisk away whatever is uneaten.
- No dishes to wash. No icky scraps to scrape, no repellent used silverware to pluck through. Your Yellow Apronist™ server will collect it all.
- Nothing to eat. Every Yellow Apron meal comes with the company’s iron-clad guarantee, that if you find yourself too scared even to eat what is delivered, your Yellow Apronist server will eat it for you.
It’s a no-risk sure-thing. So give them a try, and find out why their slogan is, “Yellow Apron. We take the food preparation, and the food itself, out of food preparation.”